@ALBUM: No Cure for Cancer Artist: Denis Leary 1993 A&M Records NOTE: The lyrics on here represent ONLY the songs performed on the album. I have not transcribed any of the stand-up comedy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- @SONG: Asshole (Denis Leary/Chris Phillips) Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream. About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. We don't know. I'm just an average Joe with a regular job I'm your average White suburbanite slob I like football and porno and books about war I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor My wife and my job, my kids and my car My feet on the table and a Cuban cigar But sometimes that just ain't enough To keep a man like me interested (Oh no) No way (Uh-uh) No, I've got to go out and have fun At someone else's expense (Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane While people behind me are going insane I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole) I use public toilets and I piss on the seat I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?" I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole) Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces While handicapped people make handicapped faces I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole) Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song Ranting and raving and carrying on Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong Naaaah! I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole) You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcabs and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. Yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 MPH getting on mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers, and when I'm done suckin' down those greaseball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why. Two words: Nuclear fucking weapons, okay? Russia, Germany, Romania-they can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won't make a lick of difference because we got the bombs, okay? John Wayne's not dead-he's frozen. And as soon as we find the cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15,000,000 times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes (Hey) And Lee Marvin (Hey) And Sam Peckinpah (Hey) And a case of whisky and drive down to Texas... (Hey, you know, you really are an asshole) Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal! I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole) A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf Fung achng tum a fung tuma fling chum Oooh oooh I'm an asshole and proud of it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- @SONG: The Downtrodden Song (Denis Leary/Adam Roth) Everything is horrible, yeah, really really really terrible I'm really depressed, I'm really downtrodden I'm downtrodden square uh-huh The whole world is doomed, yeah. We're all gonna die. 25,472 people die every single minute uh-huh oh yeah Seventeen hundred and fifty people just died Cancer, death, AIDS, inflation, taxes, George Bush Hell, Satan, cancer of the face Cancer of the colon Cancer of the wrist And John Denver on compact disc Oh -------------------------------------------------------------------------- @SONG: Traditional Irish Folk Song (Denis Leary/Chris Phillips) They come over here and they take all our land They chop of our heads and they boil them in oil Our children are leaving and we have no heads We drink and we sing and we drink and we die We have no heads, we have no heads They come over here and they chop off our legs They cut off our hands and put nails in our eyes O'Grady is dead and O'Hanrahan's gone We drink and we die and continue to drink O'Hanrahan, no O'Hanrahan They buried O'Neill down in Country Shillhame The poor children crying a fe dee din de Hin fle di din fle di din fle de din de In hey bibble bibble hey bibble bibble hey fle bibble de O'Hanrahan, no O'Hanrahan We drink and we sing and we drink and we sing, hey! We drink and we drive and we puke and we drink, hey! We drink and we fight and we bleed and we cry, hey! We puke and we smoke and we drink and we die, hey! -------------------------------------------------------------- @SONG: Voices in My Head (Denis Leary/Chris Phillips) I want you to get a gun And head on down to Washington I want you to climb up high High in the sky and shoot them all Th-th-they don't deserve to live What did they every give to you? Na na na na na You know what I want you to do? I want you to go upstairs to that apartment where that guy keeps playing that Barry Manilow record "Copacabana" over and over and over again. I want you to ring the doorbell, and when he answers the door, I want you to stab him in the neck with a Number 2 pencil over and over and over again because he must pay! Chop him up and put him in the freezer and as you leave the apartment, light the place on fire! CHORUS Voices in my head These are the voices in my head Voices in my head These are the voices in my head You should dress up like a clown Bark bark howl Hi you never called me back. I got the pictures back from Thanksgiving. I don't know why you wear that earring. If your father was alive I don't know what he'd say. I was talking to Mrs. Corelli yesterday. You know Bobby Corelli who was in your grade? He got promoted again in his law firm. He's making $175,000 a year now. Are you on drugs? Why don't you ever call me back? When are you gonna get married son? Isn't it about time you settled down and got yourself a wife and got yourself a house and got a kid, and got a car, and got a dog and got a lawnmowerk, and got a nice picket fence... CHORUS The voice in my head- Why, why is it every time I gotta wait on fuckin' line? Why is it every time I turn on my television set I gotta see Sally Struthers and those starving kids? Why can't somebody just send her a check and shut her and those god damn kids up? Jesus fucking Christ! Where's Rob Reiner when you need him? Why, why don't they drop the bomb Right on top of everyone? Na na na na na CHORUS -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ Eric Wincentsen 267@ef.gc.maricopa.edu Glendale Community College Glendale, Arizona "I'm just marking my territory..."